Shame: The Emotion That Wasn’t Yours To Carry

Shame is one of those feelings that can stick to you like glue - quiet, heavy, and hard to name.

You might not always notice it’s there, but it can show up in your inner voice, your relationships, and the way you see yourself.

If you grew up with emotionally immature parents, there’s a good chance you’ve been carrying shame that was never truly yours to begin with.

How does shame get passed on?

Emotionally immature parents often struggle to take responsibility for their own feelings and behaviour. Instead of owning their emotions, they project them - consciously or unconsciously - onto their children.

This might sound like:

- “Why are you so sensitive?”

- “You’re making me feel so bad.”

- “You always overreact.”

- “Don’t be so difficult.”

Over time, messages like these can teach a child to internalise shame. You start to believe that you’re the problem: that your feelings are too big, your needs are too much, or that something is fundamentally wrong with you. It’s not.

But here’s the truth: those feelings didn’t start with you.

What does shame look like in adulthood?

Shame doesn’t always scream. Sometimes it whispers:

- “I should be further ahead by now.”

- “Why do I always mess things up?”

- “I don’t want to be a burden.”

- “They’ll leave if they see the real me.”

You might:

- Struggle with low self-worth

- Avoid vulnerability or emotional intimacy

- Over-apologise or people-please

- Feel stuck or afraid to take up space.

If any of that sounds familiar, know this: that shame was placed on you by someone who couldn't ‘t deal with their own emotions. It was never yours to carry.

Letting go of inherited shame

Healing from this kind of shame takes time. But it is possible. Here’s where you can start:

Name it: Recognising that you’ve been carrying someone else’s shame is a powerful first step. You can say, “this doesn’t belong to me.”

Get curious about the origin: When you feel ashamed ask yourself: whose voice is this? Is this really mind, or something I learned?

Practise self-compassion: Offer yourself the warmth and understanding you didn’t receive growing up. You deserve kindness, especially when shame shows up.

Seek Support: Therapy can help you unpack inherited shame and reconnect with your true self - without the weight of someone else’s emotions holding you back.

You are not broken - you were burdened

If you’ve been carrying shame for things that were never your fault, you’re not alone. Many of my clients come to therapy feeling like something is wrong with them, only to realise they’ve been holding onto emotions that were never theirs to begin with.

You can put that burden down now. You can heal. And you don’t have to do it alone.

I offer both online and in-person therapy for adults who grew up with emotionally immature parents.