“But They’re Still My Mum/Dad”
Setting Boundaries Without Guilt
There’s a sentence I often hear in therapy, usually accompanied by a mix of guilt and confusion:
“But they’re still my mum.”
“But he’s still my dad.”
It usually comes after someone has started recognising that their parent might not have been as emotionally available, respectful, or safe as they once thought - or hoped. There’s a dawning awareness that things need to change. But just as quickly, guilt rushes in to shut it down. The idea of creating distance, saying “no,” or prioritising your own wellbeing feels impossible when that deeply ingrained narrative kicks in: You only get one mum or But they’re family.
Let me be clear: setting boundaries with your parents does not mean you don’t love them. It doesn’t make you ungrateful, cold-hearted, or disrespectful. It simply means you’re human - and you’re allowed to have limits.
Why Is It So Hard to Set Boundaries With a Parent?
Most of us are socialised to believe that parents are the ultimate authority. That they “do their best,” and that any pain we feel is either our fault, or something we should quietly endure. This belief can be especially strong if your parent is ageing, unwell, or has experienced their own trauma.
If you grew up with an emotionally immature parent - one who perhaps ignored your needs, minimised your emotions, or made you feel responsible for their feelings - it’s likely that setting boundaries now feels wrong. Your childhood self still craves approval. You’ve been trained to keep the peace, to accommodate, to over-function. Saying no can feel like abandoning them or being a “bad” child.
But here’s the truth: emotional maturity isn’t guaranteed with age. And being a parent doesn’t automatically entitle someone to full access to you - especially if that access comes at the cost of your mental health.
Love and Limits Can Co-Exist
A powerful shift happens when we realise that boundaries are not punishments - they’re protections. They’re a way of saying, “I want to have a relationship with you, but it needs to feel safe for me too.”
You can love your mum and still not answer every time she calls. You can appreciate what your dad provided growing up and still choose not to share parts of your life with him now.
Boundaries allow relationships to be sustainable. They help you avoid the cycles of resentment, guilt, and burnout that come from constantly self-abandoning to meet someone else’s expectations.
In fact, for many people I work with, setting boundaries is the first time they’ve shown up as their authentic adult selves in the parent-child relationship.
What If My Parent Doesn’t Like It?
If your parent is emotionally immature, it’s likely they won’t respond well at first. You might hear things like:
“Why are you being so difficult?”
“You’ve changed.”
“I guess I’m a terrible parent now.”
These reactions are uncomfortable - but not necessarily a reason to back down. They’re more about your parent’s inability to manage their own feelings than they are about the validity of your boundary.
Yes, it’s painful. Yes, the guilt might still creep in. But that guilt doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong - it just means you’re doing something different. And different is often exactly what’s needed to break intergenerational patterns of emotional neglect or enmeshment.
You’re Allowed To Take Up Space
You’re not being dramatic. You’re not ungrateful. You’re allowed to want a relationship that doesn’t revolve around managing someone else’s emotions. You’re allowed to take up emotional space in your own life - even if your parent never learned how to hold that space for you.
Setting boundaries doesn’t mean cutting someone off (although in some cases, that might eventually be necessary). It simply means being honest about what you can and can’t do. What you are and aren’t available for. What you need in order to feel okay.
And here’s something no one says enough: you don’t need your parent’s permission or approval to set a boundary. You only need your own self-trust.
If You’re Been Wrestling With Guilt or Confusion Around Setting Boundaries With a Parent, You’re Not Alone
This is deep, emotional work - and it’s something I help clients navigate every day in therapy. If you’d like support working through this, feel free to get in touch or explore how we could work together.
