Repairing After Emotional Harm
We all mess up. We all get triggered, say things we don’t mean, or fall into old habits - especially when we’re healing from relational trauma. But what happens next matters more than perfection: it’s about repair.
Repair is the process of mending a rupture in a relationship. It’s a skill that many adult children of emotionally immature parents never got to witness, let alone practice. If your parent never apologised - or turned everything back onto you - you might feel lost when conflict happens in your adult relationships.
So, how do you begin to repair after emotional harm when you were never shown how?
First: Let’s Talk About What Repair Isn’t
Repair isn’t brushing things under the rug. It’s not an empty “sorry” with no change behind it. And it’s not justifying harm with “I didn’t mean to.”
True repair is relational. It involves acknowledging the impact of your behaviours not just your intent. It’s about connection, responsibility, and rebuilding trust - not shame or blame.
And it’s something you can learn.
Why This Feels So Hard If You Grew Up With Emotional Immaturity
If you were raised by someone who couldn’t tolerate being wrong, then conflict may still feel terrifying. You might avoid it altogether, free, or over-apologise in an attempt to “fix” everything quickly.
Maybe you’ve never had someone genuinely say:
“That must have hurst - I’m so sorry.”
“I didn’t realise I’d made you feel that way.”
“Let’s talk about what you need going forward.”
That absence leaves a gap. And when you are the one who needs to repair - or be repaired with - it can feel like unfamiliar territory.
What Healthy Repair Can Sound Like
Here’s a simple structure to begin practicing emotional repair in your relationships (romantic, platonic, or even with your children):
Acknowledge the impact - “I can see that what I said really hurt you.”
Take responsibility without excuses - “I got defensive and spoke sharply. That wasn’t okay.”
Express regret - “I’m really sorry. I care about how you feel, and I want to do better.”
Ask what they need - “What would help you feel heard or supported right now?”
Follow through - Repair isn’t a one-time moment - it’s shown through actions over time.
Repairing With Yourself Too
This doesn’t only apply to your relationships with others. When you’re on a healing journey, you’ll inevitably look back on times when you didn’t show up the way you wanted to. Instead of spiralling into shame, you can choose repair:
Acknowledge the pain you were in
Apologise to yourself for abandoning your needs
Gently choose differently net time.
Self-repair is powerful. It builds trust with your inner self - the version of you that’s learning and growing.
It’s Never Too Late to Learn Emotional Repair
If no one ever taught you how to navigate conflict with care, of course you find it hard. That doesn’t make you incapable. It just means you’re learning skills now that should have been modelled for you then.
In therapy, especially during the “Put It Into Practice” phase of the E. I. P. Framework, we work on real-life repair scenarios - equipping you with language, strategies, and the emotional resilience to handle conflict in a grounded way.
You don’t have to fear disconnection anymore. With practice, you can move through it - and come out stronger.
